HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going