Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes