Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
PARKOUR
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
lot going on here, legally speaking.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”