Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.