If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.