i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.