What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
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Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*