her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you