Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”