Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.