Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
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My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂