My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done