Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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kids play hide and seek like
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.