If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier