Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
fourth time’s the charm
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.