I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops