Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
You Might Also Like
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I am HOWLING at this
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
when someone rings the doorbell
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
And then there were 4
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂