My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
scared to check what name she chose
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific