Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
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My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
how to have fun when you’re poor
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up