[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”