I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu