me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.