“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*