*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see