I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
A family that plays together cheats.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*