i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.