I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
RT if you know someone like this!!!
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I needed a laugh this morning.