[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
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My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The real reason evolution started..😂
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.