Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?