Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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wait.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
In banana years, I am bread.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.