Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”