Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.