Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The Book. The Movie.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]