MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
You Might Also Like
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
o shit
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Me driving through Toronto
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used