I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
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Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I’m not proud
This was the best day of my life
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.