Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
You Might Also Like
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Feels
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.