I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
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baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Worth the read.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?