Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.