Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Potatoes were such a good idea
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE