I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
That de-escalated quickly
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned