Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents