Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign