Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
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I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
The Birdles
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.