Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
The Friday File.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.