me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.