Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Well, this is awkward
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Fidel Castro was alive?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.