I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do馃憦you馃憦want馃憦a馃憦ham馃憦sandwich馃憦or馃憦turkey馃憦and馃憦cheese
It鈥檚 adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it鈥檚 a brilliant idea they鈥檝e never heard before.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
If you鈥檙e a squatter, every day is leg day.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn鈥檛 need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
LADIES, imagine this.
It鈥檚 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he鈥檚 trying too hard
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
TEENS IN THE 70S: let鈥檚 protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let鈥檚 protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let鈥檚 rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let鈥檚 eat laundry detergent
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii