I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E