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“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
This will never not be funny to me.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
uh oh
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol