Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.